what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
