I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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