And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
