Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
