im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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