Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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