I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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