Im at strip club and am horny
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
