No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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