Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
