You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
