I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize