I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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