I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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