I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
