You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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