I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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