I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
