seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
