i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
