my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize