I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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