I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Girls should come with a carfax report
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
