He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We got so high we made milksteak
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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