u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
