Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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