i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
