You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
