nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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