My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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