Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
