I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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