Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
