I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
