wanna go halves on a baby?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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