My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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