Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
