2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
