i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
