i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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