Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
So apparently I’m into choking now
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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