i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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