I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
