i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
