omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
