totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
