getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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