This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize