I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
