we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
