WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
