i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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