Your favorite bartender is back from prision
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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