UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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