After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
