dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
