Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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