There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
