That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
